why is everyone so mean to me? it’s no longer a coincidence. this is the point where I stop giving a fuck. I don’t need anyone. I’ve never depended on anyone anyway. I’m perfectly fine on my own. if you aren’t going to better my life, get the fuck out. 

this needs to stop

never good enough

All I ever want to do is cry. There is a constant lump in my throat and a weight on my shoulders. I don’t know how to rid myself of it or fix it. I feel no one can help or understand or care. I don’t know what to do. This isn’t normal.

I don’t understand what I ever did so wrong to deserve anything I receive. I am constantly punished. Life and god hate me for some unforeseen reason. I wish I had the answer. Can anyone honestly blame me for being so bitter? Can anyone blame me for being the way I am? Who would want to live a life like this? Not me.

 It won’t go away. No matter what I do, it’s always there. When is it going to stop? It’s been almost 6 months. This is cruel.

 For instance, yesterday I didn’t know how to do a math question on my assignment. When my teacher knelt down by my desk, so close, I had this overwhelming feeling that I can’t quite explain and the only thing I wanted to do was get up and leave. I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying and the only thing I would think about was the smell. He smelled just like him. That old familiar smell that just makes me feel.. so homesick and physically sick as well. This isn’t fair. I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t know it would be like this. How can one single event end up controlling your whole entire life?

I have never had a boyfriend. Love is the most magical thing on this planet and it puts a lump in my throat to know and think that other people know that I’ve never been loved. Most times I get down on myself and say that it’s because of how I look or because I’m weird, I laugh when no one else finds what was said funny. But other times, I don’t understand. It’s not like I’ve never almost been in a relationship or talked to a guy. Every single guy that comes along (and goes) has told me I’m the most beautiful girl they’ve ever spoken to. I’m amazing. Are they all lying? I’m 17. Most all of my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends and have had more than 1. It has made me permanently feel awkward and embarassed. I want someone I can tell secrets to, kiss in the rain, goes fishing with my dad and picks up for my little brother. My friend J, was so lucky. She had the best relationship ever. It was perfectly imperfect. Just like something you’d see in a movie. I can’t even watch romance movies. It makes me phsyically and emotionally sick for the rest of the day/night after watching. It’s all that I want. Why doesn’t it want me?